So, This Is College

September 17, 2007

Current mood: indescribable

So, it's been over a month since I moved into 306 Gillett Hall, and never before have I felt so... different.

I'm happy with college. My classes are fairly easy to keep up with and I'm staying on top of my work, I've got a roommate that I get along with and actually find quite amiable, the floor I live on is very friendly and we're becoming a closely-knit community, and most importantly, I feel comfortable here.

I miss the old days. My friends from home, my family, my house, all of these seem so far away now, and I miss them. I miss being able to get in my car and go hang out with some friends and return to a home-cooked meal and a warm, cozy bed. I miss waking up in the morning to the sound of my dog chasing a squirrel in the back yard, barking his head off. I miss walking out of my room to my own kitchen and bathroom, or through the glass doors to the pool. But mostly, I miss the people from my old life.

I'm lonely. I've been single for a little over a year now, and while I have many many great friends who make me very very happy, I miss having that one special someone to share everything with; secrets, loves, hates, strengths, weaknesses, life. I miss having someone that I can hold in my arms while we watch a movie, or lay out on the hood of my car and count the stars, or sneak off into some dark corner of the building where we could be alone together.

I'm stressed. I have no job and my debts keep piling up. I still owe my parents $2,500, and college debts are just mounting up on top of that. I realize I'm very lucky and I don't have to pay nearly as much for college as many people do, and for that I am grateful, but even so the feeling of being in debt is an uncomfortable one, to say the least.

I'm excited. With all the events on campus, and all the outings I make with my friends, every day is a joy to wake up to and wonder what surprises are in store. Between my marching-band roomie, my crazy lounge friends, and my (sometimes) obnoxious PA, I'm kept on my toes and there's rarely a dull moment.

I'm restless. It's 3:50 AM and I have a class at 10, I should really go to sleep but I just don't seem to be able to.

I'm miserable. My allergies have been hell for a couple weeks, and they've gotten so bad that I can't wear my contacts anymore, but I have to wait another week before my glasses come in. Taking notes through bleary vision is difficult, to say the least, and even sitting back a bit from my computer screen impairs my vision. I can't wait for that Lasik surgery after college.

I'm in control. I dictate my schedule now. I decide when to sleep, or eat, or do my homework. I choose what I do, when I do it, and where it's done. I have complete and total freedom to live as I want, with the exception of breaking the law, of course.

I'm worried. Many of my friends are having difficult times right now. Either they're adjusting still to college, breaking up with high-school sweethearts, or just hitting some rough patches in their personal lives. I want to help them all, of course, but there's only so much I can do without them coming and opening up to me. A word of encouragement here and there, and a reassurance of my love and support I know are appreciated, but there's so much more I want to do for them. Alas, my compassionate heart has always been rather eager.

I'm anxious. There are so many great things coming for me; Halo 3, Video Games Live, Thanksgiving (and the end of my sugarless, caffeine-free, no-carbonation fast), the introduction to new friends and experiences, and the coming reunions with old friends that the holidays will bring. There's just so many things I'm looking forward to, It's hard to keep focused on the here and now!

I'm scared. Writing out my thoughts like this, it helps, but I can't help but wonder what kind of damage I might be subjecting myself to by putting it out on the internet, where anyone can find it and use it against me somehow. Still, opening my heart and mind to anyone is difficult for me, so when I get the urge to write one of these things, I feel as though I'm meant to put it out there for scrutiny. Or perhaps, by putting it out there, I'm letting go of those issues I write about and moving on...

I'm curious. If you're still reading this, then why? Are you really that interested in me, or are you simply bored with nothing else to do? In either case, you should give me a call rather than analyze what my thought processes are late at night when everyone else has left the lounge for bed. There must be something else for you to do rather than sit here and read my late-night (and probably a little delirious) ramblings, yet you have chosen to sit and read on anyway. It's hard enough keeping up with your own life, you needn't try to keep up with mine!

--Sangheilioz 21:58, 18 August 2008 (UTC)

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